Thursday, January 23, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Ashley Ryan's - 7 Effective Alternatives to Punishment : Alternative to Punishment #2: Evaluate
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Alternative to Punishment #2: EVALUATE
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Alternative to Punishment #2: EVALUATE
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Don't react too fast when your child does something you don't
want them to be doing. Take a breath or a moment to "evaluate"
the situation.
want them to be doing. Take a breath or a moment to "evaluate"
the situation.
You see... if you react too fast, you'll miss the underlying causes
to the bad behavior - but if take a moment to evaluate your child,
you'll discover the underlying causes of your child's behaviour,
which you may be able to solve relatively easily.
to the bad behavior - but if take a moment to evaluate your child,
you'll discover the underlying causes of your child's behaviour,
which you may be able to solve relatively easily.
Many children make innocent mistakes that are interpreted as bad behavior.
Although our children always impress and surprise us at how quick they are
growing, and how intelligent they are, it's important to remember that they
are constantly learning. That's why young children go through a "why" stage,
when all they ask you is "why this" and "why that"...
Although our children always impress and surprise us at how quick they are
growing, and how intelligent they are, it's important to remember that they
are constantly learning. That's why young children go through a "why" stage,
when all they ask you is "why this" and "why that"...
Remember, it's our job as parents to provide them with the information
they need so that they don't make simple mistakes that cause unnecessary
stress. As you know, parenting is demanding enough as it is; the last
thing we need is a child who's unnecessarily defiant and problematic.
they need so that they don't make simple mistakes that cause unnecessary
stress. As you know, parenting is demanding enough as it is; the last
thing we need is a child who's unnecessarily defiant and problematic.
Here's an example of "evaluating":
If your one year-old pours milk on the floor and you "punish" him, by shouting,
snapping, or getting upset, then you'll only end up with a confused, hurt and upset child.
You see, it would be silly to punish a one year-old for pouring milk on the floor
when he or she can't yet understand the concept of gravity, let alone know that they
shouldn't do that.
If your one year-old pours milk on the floor and you "punish" him, by shouting,
snapping, or getting upset, then you'll only end up with a confused, hurt and upset child.
You see, it would be silly to punish a one year-old for pouring milk on the floor
when he or she can't yet understand the concept of gravity, let alone know that they
shouldn't do that.
The truth about babies, toddlers and children,
is that most of the time they are simply
responding to their natural human instinct
to explore and define the world around them.
is that most of the time they are simply
responding to their natural human instinct
to explore and define the world around them.
Exploration and learning is an instinctual drive for the human species...
which is why almost every human grows up with hobbies or interests...
even if our hobby ends up being TV,
what keeps our attention is a curiosity and a drive to learn things.
which is why almost every human grows up with hobbies or interests...
even if our hobby ends up being TV,
what keeps our attention is a curiosity and a drive to learn things.
So what happens when a young child,
who is exploring their world,
has their curiosity punished?
Well, they begin to think and feel like the world is unsafe.
who is exploring their world,
has their curiosity punished?
Well, they begin to think and feel like the world is unsafe.
When a child no longer trusts his or her world as being a safe place to;
explore, play, and learn,
then the child becomes less confident and more fearful.
explore, play, and learn,
then the child becomes less confident and more fearful.
Also, when a child is punished without understanding why,
they become tense
because there is a loss of connection and security,
with their caregiver and protector; the parent.
This tension causes stress,
and interferes with the child's ability to think clearly and lovingly.
they become tense
because there is a loss of connection and security,
with their caregiver and protector; the parent.
This tension causes stress,
and interferes with the child's ability to think clearly and lovingly.
So How Do You "Evaluate" The Situation More Effectively?
We recommend giving your child the benefit of the doubt.
So whenever your child does something that upsets you,
first, assume that your child has done nothing wrong,
second, evaluate these two points;
So whenever your child does something that upsets you,
first, assume that your child has done nothing wrong,
second, evaluate these two points;
1. How you could have prevented this situation?
2. What is the real reason for their behavior?
2. What is the real reason for their behavior?
To understand the real cause of your child's behavior
refer to Busy Moms Guide to Awesome Parenting
An Essential 7 Week Course for Busy Moms!
refer to Busy Moms Guide to Awesome Parenting
An Essential 7 Week Course for Busy Moms!
In the case of the one year old pouring milk on the floor;
you can first look at the situation like this:
you can first look at the situation like this:
"My child is young and it looks to me like she's doing an
experiment, she's clearly not out to upset me."
experiment, she's clearly not out to upset me."
As any parent can attest, children often want to explore in ways
that can be stressful to us parents. Yet, children rarely have ill intent
towards us, unless they are "acting out" due to stress and unresolved
tension.
that can be stressful to us parents. Yet, children rarely have ill intent
towards us, unless they are "acting out" due to stress and unresolved
tension.
If you want to raise a self-competent and self-confident child, who is
genuinely happy, then your child needs to be taught that it's safe to explore.
Teach them that they are not wrong, nor bad, for exploring - even when
they make mistakes along the way... they can learn creative ways to fix
their mistakes or avoid them the next time, if they're giving the freedom
to explore and discover the limits of their world in a safe environment.
genuinely happy, then your child needs to be taught that it's safe to explore.
Teach them that they are not wrong, nor bad, for exploring - even when
they make mistakes along the way... they can learn creative ways to fix
their mistakes or avoid them the next time, if they're giving the freedom
to explore and discover the limits of their world in a safe environment.
Remember... they're just doing what children do, enjoying themselves.
So, in a situation like the one above,
it's critical to take a step back
and evaluate the situation from a clear perspective.
it's critical to take a step back
and evaluate the situation from a clear perspective.
Because it's when we react from emotion,
we often regret what we did or said later.
This emotional reaction is usually based on assumption instead of
the reality of our child's developmental needs and state of awareness.
we often regret what we did or said later.
This emotional reaction is usually based on assumption instead of
the reality of our child's developmental needs and state of awareness.
As parents, we often assume our child is trying to make us upset,
and we react before we take a moment to look at the situation
from our child's state of being and perspective.
and we react before we take a moment to look at the situation
from our child's state of being and perspective.
Remember, your child wants your love and approval above all else.
The currency of love and approval is attention.
So they may do things that trigger you in order to get your attention.
A clear evaluative stance
can give you a better understanding
of what's really going on
and give you some time to *think*...
can give you a better understanding
of what's really going on
and give you some time to *think*...
...before you react.
Be mindful, small children do not have a lot of information.
They are brand new and just starting out in the world.
They are brand new and just starting out in the world.
It's your job as the loving parent to provide them with
the information they need, appropriate to their age level.
the information they need, appropriate to their age level.
Going back to the one-year old milk-spiller...
if this was your child, trying to explain the concept of gravity to them
is useless -They won't understand what you're talking about, and they
are so young that they can't remember not to do it again based on the explanation.
if this was your child, trying to explain the concept of gravity to them
is useless -They won't understand what you're talking about, and they
are so young that they can't remember not to do it again based on the explanation.
A preferred course of action would be
to set them up in the bathtub, sink, or outside
with a bowl filled with water. So they can
explore the joys of liquid and gravity in an
environment where they have more freedom
to make a mess in their exploration.
to set them up in the bathtub, sink, or outside
with a bowl filled with water. So they can
explore the joys of liquid and gravity in an
environment where they have more freedom
to make a mess in their exploration.
This takes us back to PREVENTION - the First Effective
Alternative to Punishment that we introduced to you last week.
If you're inspired, you can provide your young one with simple
information from the start. If your baby pours milk on the floor you
can say something along the lines of:
Alternative to Punishment that we introduced to you last week.
If you're inspired, you can provide your young one with simple
information from the start. If your baby pours milk on the floor you
can say something along the lines of:
"Oh, it looks like that's interesting for you...
How about I set this up in the sink, as I don't
want to clean up the mess of spilt milk again."
Then you can give your child a nice bath with a plastic cup for them to
play with dumping water out in the tub, instead of making a mess that
just gives you more work to do.
How about I set this up in the sink, as I don't
want to clean up the mess of spilt milk again."
Then you can give your child a nice bath with a plastic cup for them to
play with dumping water out in the tub, instead of making a mess that
just gives you more work to do.
So, if you're tempted to punish your child, stop yourself
and first evaluate the situation...
and first evaluate the situation...
Second be empathetic, put yourself in your child's shoes
and figure out what the real reason for your child's misbehavior is.
and figure out what the real reason for your child's misbehavior is.
Thirdly, if your child is quite young, keep in mind that everything is new to your little one.
Remember that your child is just a child,
even though at times it feels like they are manipulative know-it-all's,
they are in fact very young and innocent to the world, and they will
model your example because what they want more than anything is your love and attention.
Remember that your child is just a child,
even though at times it feels like they are manipulative know-it-all's,
they are in fact very young and innocent to the world, and they will
model your example because what they want more than anything is your love and attention.
Try this the next time your child does something that upsets you...
Stop and don't do anything at all.
Stop and don't do anything at all.
Don't say anything.
Don't move.
Just be there for a moment...
...and evaluate.
Ask yourself if you really think your child is trying to hurt or upset you.
Then from a place of clarity, consciously choose not to punish.
Then from a place of clarity, consciously choose not to punish.
Practice this as much as you can over the course of the week.
Evaluating and empathizing instead of punishing.
Evaluating and empathizing instead of punishing.
If you feel that it's difficult, that's okay, it's part of the process.
NEXT - In 7 Days you'll receive 'Part 3' of
the "7 Effective Alternatives to Punishment" series.
the "7 Effective Alternatives to Punishment" series.
Next week you'll learn...
* How asking one simple question can
dramatically increase your child's cooperation.
* One critical mistake most parents make
in trying to stop naughty behavior.
* The truth about toddlers and what you can expect
from your child's age group. (This is critical, as
different ages need to be treated accordingly.)
* How what you say is JUST as important as
how you say it, if you want your little one to listen.
Remember, connect with me on facebook if you have questions...
Love,* How asking one simple question can
dramatically increase your child's cooperation.
* One critical mistake most parents make
in trying to stop naughty behavior.
* The truth about toddlers and what you can expect
from your child's age group. (This is critical, as
different ages need to be treated accordingly.)
* How what you say is JUST as important as
how you say it, if you want your little one to listen.
Remember, connect with me on facebook if you have questions...
Busy Mom Ashley
Busy Moms Guide to Awesome Parenting
An Essential 7 Week Course for Busy Moms!
Follow Us on...
P.S. If you haven't already you may want to check this powerful audio: Stop anger, defiance and tantrums, and learn to build your child's healthy self-esteemClick Here.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Quiet Time in Schools
very inspiring article i found about meditation in schools called Quiet Time
At first glance, Quiet Time - a stress reduction strategy used in several San Francisco middle and high schools, as well as in scattered schools around the Bay Area - looks like something out of the om-chanting 1960s. Twice daily, a gong sounds in the classroom and rowdy adolescents, who normally can't sit still for 10 seconds, shut their eyes and try to clear their minds. I've spent lots of time in urban schools and have never seen anything like it.
This practice - meditation rebranded - deserves serious attention from parents and policymakers. An impressive array of studies shows that integrating meditation into a school's daily routine can markedly improve the lives of students. If San Francisco schools Superintendent Richard Carranza has his way, Quiet Time could well spread citywide.
What's happening at Visitacion Valley Middle School, which in 2007 became the first public school nationwide to adopt the program, shows why the superintendent is so enthusiastic. In this neighborhood, gunfire is as common as birdsong - nine shootings have been recorded in the past month - and most students know someone who's been shot or did the shooting. Murders are so frequent that the school employs a full-time grief counselor.
In years past, these students were largely out of control, frequently fighting in the corridors, scrawling graffiti on the walls and cursing their teachers. Absenteeism rates were among the city's highest and so were suspensions. Worn-down teachers routinely called in sick.
Unsurprisingly, academics suffered. The school tried everything, from counseling and peer support to after-school tutoring and sports, but to disappointingly little effect.
Now these students are doing light-years better. In the first year of Quiet Time, the number of suspensions fell by 45 percent. Within four years, the suspension rate was among the lowest in the city. Daily attendance rates climbed to 98 percent, well above the citywide average. Grade point averages improved markedly. About 20 percent of graduates are admitted to Lowell High School - before Quiet Time, getting any students into this elite high school was a rarity. Remarkably, in the annual California Healthy Kids Survey, these middle school youngsters recorded the highest happiness levels in San Francisco.
Reports are similarly positive in the three other schools that have adopted Quiet Time. AtBurton High School, for instance, students in the program report significantly less stress and depression, and greater self-esteem, than nonparticipants. With stress levels down, achievement has markedly improved, particularly among students who have been doing worst academically. Grades rose dramatically, compared with those who weren't in the program.
On the California Achievement Test, twice as many students in Quiet Time schools have become proficient in English, compared with students in similar schools where the program doesn't exist, and the gap is even bigger in math. Teachers report they're less emotionally exhausted and more resilient.
"The research is showing big effects on students' performance," says Superintendent Carranza. "Our new accountability standards, which we're developing in tandem with the other big California districts, emphasize the importance of social-emotional factors in improving kids' lives, not just academics. That's where Quiet Time can have a major impact, and I'd like to see it expand well beyond a handful of schools."
While Quiet Time is no panacea, it's a game-changer for many students who otherwise might have become dropouts. That's reason enough to make meditation a school staple, and not just in San Francisco.
David L. Kirp, a professor of public policy at UC Berkeley, is the author of "Improbable Scholars: The Rebirth of a Great American School District and a Strategy for America's Schools."
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
i am so hyped about this book I am reading - Conversations with God book 2 - (orderd #2 by mistake) -- and I want to share a few points that hit home for me:
- feelings is how your higher self communicate with you; but what happens is we often mistake our thoughts masquerading as feelings as our TRUE feelings; true feelings are associated with our soul and always aligned with love; negative feelings are negative thoughts disguised as feelings
- if i really really want to use the law of attraction to my advantage, i need to stop "wanting" things because the univeres will give me more things that will make me "want" which really is a state of not having what you want; so i just need to imagine what i want and feel that I have it and use words like "i'd love to have" which is a better feeling statement
- feelings is how your higher self communicate with you; but what happens is we often mistake our thoughts masquerading as feelings as our TRUE feelings; true feelings are associated with our soul and always aligned with love; negative feelings are negative thoughts disguised as feelings
- if i really really want to use the law of attraction to my advantage, i need to stop "wanting" things because the univeres will give me more things that will make me "want" which really is a state of not having what you want; so i just need to imagine what i want and feel that I have it and use words like "i'd love to have" which is a better feeling statement
Monday, January 13, 2014
Ashley Ryan's - 7 Effective Alternatives to Punishment : Alternative to Punishment #1: Prevention
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Alternative to Punishment #1: Prevention
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As the old saying goes;
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."
That's why "child-proofing your life" is as important
as "baby-proofing your space."
As a parent, I'm sure you've had moments when
you "foresaw" a disaster that was about to occur.
And if we take a moment to think about it,
we can usually foresee other recipes for disasters.
Taking proactive steps to "prevent" these
unecessary stresses in your life, and the
life of your child, will make a big difference
in reducing the upsets in your family.
There are simple ways to use "Prevention."
If you know your child is going to get into the
cookies, put them where he can't reach
or find them. If giving your child a sweet
dessert at night makes her stay up too late,
then change your desserts habits.
If you don't want your child getting
onto your computer, then don't make your
computer so accessible for them; shut the door
to your home office, or put the computer
out of sight.
Planning ahead will save you SO MUCH
time and energy. You'll avoid cleaning up
unnecessary messes. And you'll avoid
unecessary upsets and needless stressing out.
Prevention is the perfect companion to
Cultivating Non-Reaction. (Cultivating Non-Reaction
is covered in detail in my course:
Busy Moms Guide to Awesome Parenting)
Because often times, kids simply react to the
environment you "set up" for them,
you can "set up" the day to go smoothly,
or be a chaotic mess.
If you set up an environment where
your children spend hours zoning out
on TV every day, then they will react by
enacting the behaviors they see on TV
and by becoming more passive in life
and less ambitious.
Especially if your children are similar in age,
you'll want to child proof your house so there
are duplicates of the same toys.
By having duplicates for multiple children,
then there is less room for fighting over things.
They'll be less issues with "sharing," because
there will be two toys that are exactly the same.
Even the same colour — so there is no issue
of colour either.
When you make sure each child has the same
toy; color, shape, type, everything, then you'll be
preventing a good portion of sibling rivalry.
Exercise in Prevention:
1. Tuck away anything that poses a possible
hazard for your little one. Books, CD's,
Aunt Ida's crystal vase, anything that you
don't want them touching or getting into.
Remember, this will reduce the likelihood
of you losing your "cool" tenfold.
2. Next, do the same for anything that may
make a mess ... just put it out of reach.
=======================================
Alternative to Punishment #1: Prevention
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
As the old saying goes;
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."
That's why "child-proofing your life" is as important
as "baby-proofing your space."
As a parent, I'm sure you've had moments when
you "foresaw" a disaster that was about to occur.
And if we take a moment to think about it,
we can usually foresee other recipes for disasters.
Taking proactive steps to "prevent" these
unecessary stresses in your life, and the
life of your child, will make a big difference
in reducing the upsets in your family.
There are simple ways to use "Prevention."
If you know your child is going to get into the
cookies, put them where he can't reach
or find them. If giving your child a sweet
dessert at night makes her stay up too late,
then change your desserts habits.
If you don't want your child getting
onto your computer, then don't make your
computer so accessible for them; shut the door
to your home office, or put the computer
out of sight.
Planning ahead will save you SO MUCH
time and energy. You'll avoid cleaning up
unnecessary messes. And you'll avoid
unecessary upsets and needless stressing out.
Prevention is the perfect companion to
Cultivating Non-Reaction. (Cultivating Non-Reaction
is covered in detail in my course:
Busy Moms Guide to Awesome Parenting)
Because often times, kids simply react to the
environment you "set up" for them,
you can "set up" the day to go smoothly,
or be a chaotic mess.
If you set up an environment where
your children spend hours zoning out
on TV every day, then they will react by
enacting the behaviors they see on TV
and by becoming more passive in life
and less ambitious.
Especially if your children are similar in age,
you'll want to child proof your house so there
are duplicates of the same toys.
By having duplicates for multiple children,
then there is less room for fighting over things.
They'll be less issues with "sharing," because
there will be two toys that are exactly the same.
Even the same colour — so there is no issue
of colour either.
When you make sure each child has the same
toy; color, shape, type, everything, then you'll be
preventing a good portion of sibling rivalry.
Exercise in Prevention:
1. Tuck away anything that poses a possible
hazard for your little one. Books, CD's,
Aunt Ida's crystal vase, anything that you
don't want them touching or getting into.
Remember, this will reduce the likelihood
of you losing your "cool" tenfold.
2. Next, do the same for anything that may
make a mess ... just put it out of reach.
=======================================
Thursday, January 9, 2014
time for bed ~ remember to make it your goal to read/learn something inspirational everyday, and share it with others. apart from taking care of our bodies, we also need to take care of our soul/mind/spirit. we are able to do this by continuously working on personal growth and doing things that make this world a better place
Sending you so much love ~
Sending you so much love ~
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